I have always wanted to challenge myself physically in order to be stronger and more fit. Before coming to Thailand, I had it in my head that I was gonna do a big run like a half-marathon or a full marathon, but at that point in my life I was so overwhelmed with getting everything situated before leaving that it never happened. Fast forward to about 5 or 6 months into my service, one of my friends, also a volunteer, mentioned that she was going to do a half-marathon with a few others in the Chiang Rai province of Thailand and she convinced me to join. I registered and paid the registration fee, like an impulse buy in Target. I had not been training or running long distances at my site, but I knew I had to start as soon as possible. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The furthest I had ever run was a 5k for a charity run at my university and that wasn’t that bad in hindsight, but I also had been working out casually in order to fight off the freshman 15 that I so willingly gained. I started working out regularly at my site with at-home body weight workouts through an app a friend of mine developed, and I would go on runs regularly at this local damn on the outskirts of the village. Now, I am sure you are wondering, how do I run in extreme weather, like that of Thailand? I would like to reassure you that it’s not easy, but do-able. One day on my run some of the local kids in my village came to cheer me on as I would pass them on the trail, and this became a regular spectacle for them each day to watch me as I pushed myself to finish. The trail was one large loop and usually I would be out there running for about an hour, and the kids that would come stayed the whole time until I stopped. They would ask me how many times I went around the loop, while I was dripping sweat and panting, and anytime I said more than one their eyes widened in amazement. I appreciated them very much, and I consider these kids to be some of my greatest friends in my village; the kids ranging in age from 6-12 years old. As I started to run longer distances I had to change my route to get used to different terrain, which lead me to a road that would run along the sea of rice fields in my village. I ran past the rice farmers, many of whom started work at 5:00am, and they roared a loud “Su Su!” (Fight, Fight!) so that I would keep going. I ran faster. In the last month preparing for my race, my older host sister started to go on runs at a track in the city close-by and asked me if I wanted to go. I joined her every now and then when we both had the time and when it wasn’t raining (this was in the middle of rainy season in Thailand), and I was proud of her that she started working out with me. She continues to work-out and has made it a part of her daily routine. Race day. My friends and I woke up early for our friend’s 4:30am send off for the Full Marathon start time. I needed to be awake anyways because I couldn’t sleep. My nerves were getting to me and I felt my muscles tightening at the thought of running 21.5 kilometers. I needed to turn my mind off, if that was even possible. We watched as my friend began the Full Marathon and my heart was pounding in anticipation. I needed to start getting my body ready for the race, so I did my usual stretches before any run. 5 mins before start time. We all got to where we wanted to be for the start and I had my friends by my side that were running the Half-Marathon also. My mind was racing full of many different emotions and memories that lead up to this point. 5 seconds. Am I ready? I heard a gunshot and my feet started to move forward. The song Rise by Jonas Blue and Jack & Jack (a great song if you have not heard it; the song that got me through most of my training) starts and my adrenaline is high. I started the race off with a fast pace because I wanted to maintain a speed with a pacer who was going to end the race at two hours and thirty minutes. (I had no idea what a pacer was before my friend, who runs races regularly, explained it to me. A pacer is someone in the race that is hired to run at a certain pace for runners to keep up with so they know when they will finish the race maintaining that same speed.) For the first mile I was able to keep up, but it was definitely a faster pace than I imagined it to be. I was falling behind so I accepted I was going to fall back to the two hour and forty-five minute pacer. Mile three. I was past by the two hour and fifteen minute pacer, and I realized what I did wrong. For the first couple miles I was following the two hour pacer and I couldn’t help but laugh to myself in that moment. During the race I tried to keep my head focused, but at the same time the sun began to rise and I was able to enjoy the beautiful scenery that was Chiang Rai. I was amazed by the mountains surrounding the area with little villages here and there as we ran passed receiving “Hello”’s and “Su Su”’s. At one point when I was running, I caught the aromas of the food being prepared for those beginning their day early in the morning. Now, mind you know that most foods in Thailand are fried, so the aromas weren’t the most welcomed of the smells on this run. As the sun was rising, I could feel the heat of the day on my body, the sweat begin to build along the line of my back, and my muscles in my legs begin to burn as I pushed myself to run further. Mile six. I was lost in the sounds of my playlist on Spotify playing when all of a sudden I start to feel the trail steadily begin to incline and as I look up I see a hill ahead. My mind was telling me to push through the pain and make it to the top without walking, but my body was telling me no and that I couldn’t do it. My pace fell and I started to walk. The hill was staring me down and I did not want this to be the stumbling block to my first Half Marathon. As I was walking, I see an older Thai man, he could have been no younger than sixty years old, pass me by simply jogging. I thought to myself, if he can do it so can you, so I got the strength to push myself to a jog. Mile eight. I had been able to keep a steady jog until this point. The two hour and thirty minute pacer past me at mile seven. My feet have a burn that I have never felt before that ran up to my calves, but I did not want to walk so I pushed. Mile ten. An old enemy approached, another hill (note: make sure you know the incline and decline of the trail before the race). I was ready to face it head on, as I did, and when I got to the top my feet hurt so much that I needed to walk again. This feeling of guilt rushed over me because in that moment I felt like I was letting myself down. I needed some type of burst of energy and confidence to get me to the end, but in the back of my head came a voice that told me I couldn’t do it. That voice was the millions of comments I received growing up about my weight and body size, the questions I received about my ability to join different sports or wear certain clothes, and the comments bullies made throughout my childhood. I have been fighting those voices all my life. I had an opportunity to show those voices that I am better than them and that nothing can bring me down. I started to pick up my pace. Mile twelve. I had pushed myself past the point of no return, in the terms of pain, and I only had about a mile left. I began to see the large crowds of people walking back to their cars and I know I am close. My music builds and I feel myself gain speed running faster and faster. I can see the finish line. I feel tears building in my eyes and fall down my face. I am on the last home stretch to the finish line and people that I have no idea who they are cheer me on to finish. I hear the voices that lay subconsciously deep inside my head begin to soften into silence and I crossed the finish line. ~~~~~~ Doing something like a half-marathon in Thailand was something I never saw myself doing, but I am glad that I did it. Training and even just working out in general in the spaces that I am in as I serve as a Peace Corps volunteer has taught me a lot. Most of the motivation to try to keep myself fit in the past was for other people and to make the feelings of insecurity wash away, but I found myself mostly unhappy working out when I was in America. At times it brought me more stress or frustration because I did not see any results, or at least the results I wanted to see. In Thailand, I have found myself working out to pass the time or in order to alleviate stress after long days of working in a classroom or at an office. Here I am doing my work-outs for me and only me. This has changed a lot of my perspective to how I saw myself in America because I was comparing myself to others constantly, but here I am able to build myself up as a person and realize my own true potential. Appearance and the way others see you is an important factor to Thai culture. Many day to day conversations are centered around the appearance of those around them, like have they gotten a bigger stomach, are they smiling, is that person darker or lighter than you, or even about the clothes you wear. In an American context, many of us would take offense when other people make comments about our appearance because some believe that it is not their business at all. When I first came here, that was something that I dealt with a lot. I was constantly compared to others about whether I was more or less attractive or even my body size, and I took offense. I took offense when I was younger and the comments were made about the way I looked, and I believe I would take offense if that were done in an American context still. In Thai culture, I have noticed that many of the comments made are more observational rather than meaning to be seen as negative or positive, or at least that is how I see it. I noticed that many comments about weight and attractiveness in Thailand are made in a more humorous context and sometimes show the closeness of the relationship between the individuals (most of the time; sometimes people you have never met before comment on the way you look without invitation for them to do so as well). I would also argue there is no real consideration as to how the person feels about being termed “fat”, “ugly”, or “big”, but rather it has been stated as matter of fact. I can only speak from my own experiences, but I have seen some negative outcomes of this factor of Thai culture. Some teachers point out the differences students have between each other according to size and body weight in front of the other students. Many of my kids in the schools like to point out the bigger students a lot for the butt of a joke in many instances. Those are negative aspects of this part of Thai culture. Students are taught to associate humor with the undesired traits in their community, which permeate into the everyday lives of the adults and children in the community as well. However, can we argue that Western culture in America is any different than Thai culture in this regard? I would argue not. In Western culture, we are not taught directly (most of the time), but rather subconsciously, that skinny and light or tanned skin is the most desired because of what we see in the media and pop culture. Many of the people that we look up to and want to be like come from pop culture, which influence us to want to be or act in a certain way. In addition, students today in schools across America are still being bullied or antagonized because they do not fit the popular mold that western culture deems the most desirable. I would admit that there has been a shift in pop culture and the diversity we see in the media, but there is still a stigma to fit in. I hope that we can work towards changing or at least shed a more realistic light on what should be desired by those everywhere, and that is being our best we can be for ourselves is the most desirable. A lot of the projects that I do here as a Youth in Development volunteer is to help the youth in the community I serve realize their potential in order to build their own skills and to better their community within their own cultural context. Working in a cultural context different from my own can be very frustrating and demanding at times because as a guest to this country I need to be able to understand why they do the things they do and sometimes accept things I may not agree with. However, there are things within a culture that can lead to more negative, than positive, impacts in the community, and those are the issues that I can help address. Creating a more realistic approach to assisting how the youth see themselves as individuals fitting into the community around them is something I feel very passionate about. When I was growing up, I felt that every day I had to fit a mold that was sculpted differently than who I really was. I did not have to directly be told that I was doing something wrong, but rather that my subconscious self in my head was at a constant battle with my conscious self to be someone that I was not. I want to be there every time someone makes a comment about my students' looks, body size, or the way their hair looked that day to discourage that kind of behavior, but that is unrealistic. What I can do is help them build a more positive self-esteem and encourage body positivity amongst as many of the students as I can. I hope to help the youth in my community realize they should embrace themselves for who they are and follow their own path. If they want to better themselves by taking up a sport or taking more time to practice their English or even just to have more positive conversations, then I want to be there to support them in any way I can. Who knows maybe I can inspire some of them to run in my next big race.
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