Today was hard. Harder than usual because I had realized that reality is with you even when you travel across the country to get away from it.
~~~~~~~~~ About three years ago my grandmother from my Father's side of my family had past away. During that time I was away from home attending my university and after I heard about her death, I took the weekend to attend her funeral. By this time I had only attended one other funeral before for someone that I was close to; the first was for one of my cousins and at the time I was very young and do not remember much from it, except I remember that she died young and that I did not really understand what happened enough to feel anything for the situation. Today I wish I could know her at the age that I am now. My grandmother's death was not sudden. She had health problems and many hospital visits prior to her death. For me, however, it seemed all too fast. Being away from home at my university had displaced me from long periods of time away from my family, which led to many life events or memories happening without me. I was not able to see her one last time before she died, and sadly I cannot seem to recall the last time I got to see her. When I got home that weekend it felt like everything was gonna be the same, but when I got to get together with everyone in my family at the funeral something was missing. Anytime I visited home from my university I had been able to see my extended family for big get togethers and my grandma would always be there sitting with excitement to see me again and asking me how school is going. My grandma would tell me in Farsi "It is very good that you are getting an education and I know you will do great. You are so smart. I am very proud of you." I did not have as good of Farsi, so I would answer back with "Thank you, I love you" in English, smile and give her a hug. I did not have her there this time to ask me how things were going and sharing her words of encouragement. At the funeral ceremony, everyone was very solemn and deep in their thoughts or prayers. I remember sitting in the pews with my parents and brothers and at the front of the room a slideshow was playing of the many memories we had with my grandma. I could hear some people in the room crying with their families and all I could do was see the memories of my grandma play out in my head. In that moment all my feelings came rushing over me and I let the tears run down my face and buried my face in my dad's shoulder. After we left we went over to the cemetery that she would be buried at, listened to some speeches, and had our last moments with her before they covered the hole. At her tombstone my family left her watermelons, and you might see this as odd, but it was what she loved to eat any time of the day and would always tell us kids to eat it so that we would be healthy and strong. I never listened. In addition to the watermelons, many families had also brought many flower arrangements and pictures to place with the plot because she had not yet gotten a tombstone placed there. Later that day we went to our favorite persian restaurant and ate all together as one huge family because it was something she would have wanted. At the dinner we all got up to say different stories about her that we thought were funny or were some of our happiest memories with her. By the end of the day we were all smiling and talking about plans to get together more often. I can still remember many of the memories I have of my grandma and hopefully I will never forget. That day I realized how much I was gonna miss my grandma, and before that I definitely took that for granted. ~~~~~~~~~ I got in my host sister's car as she was picking me up and she asks me how my weekend was and what I did. We exchange a few sentences in Thai because I may speak Thai, but it is very basic at best. There is a silence in the car and then she says something in Thai that I can understand only a little bit, so I ask her to say it again. She then says in more simpler words, "One kid in the village died yesterday." After this she says to me that she thinks that I might know him because he might be a kid in one of the schools that I teach, but she is not sure and that she needs to ask her mom for more information. Just hearing the news that one of the kids in the village had died made my heart drop. To have the added news that it might have been one of my kids that I teach made me feel like a knife went through my heart, but I had hope in my mind and did not let my emotions get the best of me. I didn't ask many questions and when we got to my house I said thank you for the ride and I went in my house. Throughout the night I had the thought of what happened in my head, just hoping and praying it was the wrong information or that it was a miscommunication. The next day I taught at one of my schools (not the one my host sister thought the kid went to) and the day went on as normal. I made sure to be my normal self by putting on a face and making sure I was fully there for the students. I wanted to ask my boss about the information my host sister had told me to confirm what was really happening. I arrived at the office and everyone said hello and asked me about my day, everyone seemed to be going about their day like it was just any other day. I was able to talk with my boss and she was the one that brought up the news to me in the middle of the office. She had told me with little emotion in her voice that one of the kids drowned the other day trying to swim with his friends and it was one of the kids that would come with me on bike rides in our village. I was in disbelief so I didn't say much after she told me. One of my co-workers walks over to me to show me a picture of him and I instantly know who they are talking about. His name was Cho-gun, I had not remembered his name yet, but now I don't think I'm gonna forget. My head grew heavy, I just needed to be out of that room because I didn't know how to feel in a room surrounded by my co-workers. They seemed to be looking to get a reaction out of me, but all I wanted to do was go home. They told me that there was a "ngan sop" (funeral) for him tonight at his house and I had asked if I could go and my host sister had said that my host mom would pick me up that night to take me with her. In Thailand funerals are somewhat similar to Funerals that I was used to back in America, but there are many differences. At the funeral we showed up late (something that is very normal for Thai people is showing up late to events) and were escorted to some seats. Once we took our seats the ceremony began. The set up of the funeral is that usually it is at the house of the person that had died and the casket is located inside the house. The casket is surrounded by flower reefs, house materials or other items gifted by those attending, different sentimental items, a picture of the person deceased, and there are lights similar to those we hang on our houses for Christmas but strung along the casket. At this funeral the family is Buddhist so the monks from the local temple come and set up for the ceremony inside the house where they chant different blessings for the deceased and the family. Outside the house there are chairs set up throughout the driveway and front yard of the house and is where the food for the dinner after is prepared. Usually these ceremonies are attended by people throughout the village, so many people come that the chairs for the reception end up filling the road in front of the house as well. Throughout the ceremony everyone is sitting in their seats Wai'ing while the monks do a chant and bless the ceremony. (to Wai is when you put your hands together close to your chest similar to when Christians pray; when performing a Wai it is a sign of respect for those when you say "Hello" or "Sawadee" and when in the presence of someone that is of higher rank than you, monks, elders, and those with high ranking jobs; another instance I have found that we Wai is at funerals). During this part of the ceremony my feelings were bottling up in my chest, but at funerals in Thailand no one is really showing any emotion. As I looked around as the chanting was occurring everyone's face was stone cold, maybe they were feeling sad inside but on the outside it didn't really show. I kept my emotions to myself. During this part of the ceremony, some of the kids walk around handing out water to the villagers attending the ceremony. I noticed that the kids that were handing out the water were some of the kids that would also come biking with me. All I could do was smile and say "Hi" and they said "Hi" back with a smile and went about their duties. I wondered what they were feeling about what happened, if they were there when the accident happened, but the funeral was not the place. At the end of the chanting, we went inside the house to bless the casket and put incense in-front of it. I was able to meet Cho-gun's grandma and my host mom explained that I was his friend that went on bike rides with him, she thanked me for coming. I didn't really say much because I did not know what to say except "I'm sorry". Then we ate dinner with some people in the village that we knew and they talked about work or the food we were eating. I didn't talk much again because my thai is limited. We were on our way out and said a few goodbyes because most people had already left to return home. On our way out my host mom realized that one of the men we passed by was Cho-gun's Father so we stopped to say "Hi". My host mom said some things in Thai I didn't understand and then introduced me the same way she was doing all night, that I was one of Cho-gun's friends that went biking with him. Cho-gun's father said hello and thanked me for coming. As I looked at this man I met for the first time, I saw that his eye's were watery and puffy from crying and I was frozen. I had no idea what to say and I was choked up. All I said was "Hello" and "I'm sorry". We left and I was ready to go to bed because it was a long and taxing day. The next day I had to go to my other school for work and I acted as if nothing happened. Some of the teachers and the students talked about what happened, but not much, and everyone went about their day. ~~~~~~~~~ My emotions have been all over the place, both good and bad, these past couple days because there has been a lot happening with my job, personal life, and this came very sudden for me. When I was preparing to come to Thailand I knew that there were going to be many different challenges that I face being in a country that is halfway around the world. Language, Cultural differences, Solitude, New Job frustrations, and yes, Health, I believed I thought of it all. A funeral was actually one of my first events that I attended here in Thailand while I was training in Suphanburi and I had not met the person that had died or even anyone in that family for that matter. Since that first funeral ceremony, I had attended many after that. It just seemed to be something that was normal and it never really hit me that hard because I was separated from the event since I never knew the people that died. About a month ago, I had attended a funeral for one of my co-worker's Father and this was the first funeral that had made me feel something because I am close with this co-worker and I felt empathetic towards his emotions when he was giving his speech for his Father and cried. He was the first person I had seen thus far that had cried at the funeral of someone that died in Thailand. I cried then and let my emotions show; even though I had no idea what he was saying. Attending a funeral for someone I knew was not something that I expected to happen while here in Thailand. After the day that I went to my office to confirm the information that my host sister had told me, I went home and could not help but cry. Cho-gun was not someone that I was very close with, but I have very distinct memories with him and I would call him one of my friends. We had learned early on coming here that drowning is actually one of the leading causes for death for youth in Thailand, while motorcycle accidents are the first, and it is because the youth here do not have experience swimming and do not know how. I want to be strong for my students and the friends of Cho-gun by being there for them and moving past many challenges, but its moments like this where I am at my lowest low and I question what I am doing. How do I help students learn their potential in a language I have yet to master? How do I get around the challenges of the cultural differences that I cannot understand because they are so different and frustrating? Why don't they have swimming lessons for youth and seminars on safe motorcycle driving when they are the leading causes of death here? Am I going to have to attend more funerals here of people that I know? Reality. I have recognized that all these questions and my feelings of apprehension and frustrations are valid, but I need to make a decision. Am I going to accept that this is all too hard and decide that I am not cut out for this by quitting and going home; or am I going to push through these challenges that I knew I was going to face, even if I did not acknowledge them, and stay strong for the kids that I am here for by being there and recognizing that life is full of challenges anywhere you go? I am going with the second option. In a perfect world, I would come here working within the schools doing activities with the kids and the teachers and help them recognize their potential is so much more than they expect, while also being happy every day for two years. We are not living in a perfect world. The reality is that there are always gonna be new challenges in my life, which seem to be every day here, but we are all able to get through these challenges, no matter how hard they seem. It is how we face these challenges that lead us to be resilient and strong to make it to the next day and do it all over again.
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